There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
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I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot