There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
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Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Seems a bit forward
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.