There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.