There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
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I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick