There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
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[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Word!
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??