There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
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Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Me too 😆
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
This meal prepping shit is easy