@Laser_Cat

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

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@JohnBadpuns

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

@RealLaVarTrump

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

@ErrenMichaels

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

@FunnyBison

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

@leeunkrich

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

@JamieGreenlees

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

@wendchymes

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

@SufficientCharm

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

@daemonic3

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

@cluedont

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.