There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
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Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Midwest trash talk
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*