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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.