There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
You Might Also Like
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number