@NikiWithIssues

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

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@stanleybehrman

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

@shaun__gunner

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

@WilliamAder

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

@vrunt

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

@i__binod

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

@SoNotThePoint_

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

@UNDEADTRESOR

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

@ClassicMegan

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

@cool_yeah_ok

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth