There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
You Might Also Like
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
i made a craigslist ad !
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
lol
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please