There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
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the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.