There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
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Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Hero horse inspires millions
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!