Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress