Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
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“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Childbirth is so beautiful
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said