There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
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4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.