There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
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Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon