Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

6: are snakes just neck?

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

A completely valid reaction tbh

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?