There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
You Might Also Like
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I know karate and tons of other words.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.