There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.