@DevilryFun

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

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@WilliamAder

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

@Jazzzzzmina

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

@AaronFullerton

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

@Lance_Said_This

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

@Cpin42

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

@deloisivete

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

@SeanLowe09

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

@Brianhopecomedy

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.