There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
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It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy