there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
You Might Also Like
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.