there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.