There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
You Might Also Like
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?