There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
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[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper