there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
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[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
🤣🤣🤣
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)