There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
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Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I was bored.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
they split up moments later
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter