There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
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petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces