There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
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*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.