There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
🤣🤣🤣
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
There is wisdom there.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: