there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
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I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Are you a cat person or a person person?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it