There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
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*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
From Facebook just now…
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.