@SavageDabs69

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

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@Brampersandon_

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

@slimmy_shady

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

@DrDogMD

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

@girlontapas

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

@

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

@GrabTheWEness

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

@UnfilteredMama

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

@sevenxx7

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

@briancthayer

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.