There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

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ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman


I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.


[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!


No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.


Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name


My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.


If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?


My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.


Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.


Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.