There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
You Might Also Like
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort