There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
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My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I think we should hear other voices.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
These are my roll models.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…