There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Sign of the day..
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.