There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.