There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
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*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.