There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
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Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately