There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
are there any atheist mantises?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.