There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
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ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Europe. Made in Germany.