There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
