There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Bringing back this classic
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.