There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
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Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Life is a suicide mission.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.