There’s always that one guy
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I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Breaking news:
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird