There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
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[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.