“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
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Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.