There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”