There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
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*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?