There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
You Might Also Like
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
happy mother’s day❤️
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him