There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
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wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.