There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
You Might Also Like
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”