There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
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Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
How actors in movies eat their food
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
how high up are we talkin’?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Not all heroes wear capes….
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.