There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
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How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
It do be feeling this way.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*