There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*


Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.


Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”


Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭


*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”


[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.


Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.


CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight


Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate


If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.